I'm not always as patient as i should be. I tend to not finish things that i start if they aren’t going the way i planned.
When i was in elementary school my older sister and I were put into baton class. Sister took to it like a fish to water. I'm a good swimmer but was a terrible baton-twirler-girl-whatever-they're-called. I tried hard. I watched the other girls for pointers on technique, focused really hard on what i was doing, but it just wouldn’t come to me.
So, naturally, i quit.
The following week was the competition for our age groups. I went along to the event with Sister, mostly because i was 7 and didn’t have much choice otherwise. As she was displaying her awesomeness for the world to fawn over I was in the balcony passing the time playing with my super-bouncy ball. Playing by myself always seemed to put me in a child-like Zen state when i was a ... child. The simplicity of my playtime was crashed when an older girl came sauntering through my play space twirling her shiny, rubber tipped, metal wand. She asked if i was there to compete. Fist i barked a scoffing laugh her direction, then admitted in shame that i had given up on my batoning dreams just a week prior. The girl was kind enough to show me some of the ways that had helped her master the wrist flicking art and to my surprise i quickly picked up on the skill i had so easily dismissed as impossible. I could do this. I could be good at this i thought to myself. But then 86ed the idea because, truthfully, i thought the whole thing was dumb. I'd rather be climbing a tree with my bros than tossing a shiny stick around with a bunch of airheads.
Yeah, i felt that way even as i kid. Don’t hate.
What i should have taken from this little experience is that i won’t always pick up on things immediately. It might take a little patience and work. Instead i just continued avoiding the things didn’t come to me easily and stuck to the rest that i was better than most people at. Like climbing trees and catching frogs at the creek. The important things.
I've never been very good at being "more than friends" with guys. When that parameter is breached they're no longer satisfied with building forts or playing soccer after school. They now want to hold your hand and kiss you and stuff. I wasn’t good at that stuff. I didn’t know what i was doing or how it would fit into my play time. How do you go from holding hands to ambushing Big Sister's sleep over? There is no segue for that.
Through the middle/high school i kept things simple. My circle of friends always consisted of guys. But just friends. They didn’t treat me like a girl and i didn’t psychologically castrate
them . It was a good balance.
In my early 20s, Jesus School presented my with new challenges. There were rules limiting co-ed hang out time, and subsequently limiting access to my usual posse' of choice. I spent most of the first year alone. Girls were a pain. Eventually, a couple of them grew on me. The concept of "doing laundry" took on new meaning. Meaning i learned the joys of a good gossip session. I felt the change happening. I was turning into a girl. And it wasn’t all bad.
Now that i was identified among the rest of my gender the fellas started treating me differently. Surprisingly enough i didn’t mind it, i just didn’t know how to handle this new kind of
attention. I remember being told that i was a bit intimidating. I wasn’t trying to be though. But i was avoiding something i wasn’t good at; Being a girl that boys liked.
In this new place that i have grown into, i am being intentional about wrestling down these issues i have long avoided. I've got this new guy that I’ve gone out with a few times, the Pseudo-Hippy. He likes me a good bit. I like him... in ways. I know i need to come clean with him but i don’t know how. I want the situation to resolve itself. But i know it won’t.
I'm not good at these things. I want to quit.
None of this is going the way i planned. There is nothing Zen about the way i am feeling.
Where's that bouncy ball when I need it?
-E
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